The Guest Blog Series - Natalie
Please welcome our second Guest Blogger, Natalie. Below, Natalie talks about her experience of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and self-harm, as well as some of the negative feedback, or stigma, she felt from those around her. Natalie also talks about what helped her to begin her road to recovery.
If you would like to submit to the Guest Blog Series, please go to my Calling All Bloggers! post. For further information about depression, suicidal thoughts, or anxiety, please see the relevant links below.
If you would like to submit to the Guest Blog Series, please go to my Calling All Bloggers! post. For further information about depression, suicidal thoughts, or anxiety, please see the relevant links below.
Natalie: 'It Does Get Better if You Just Take that First Step'
Hi everyone!
My name's Natalie. I'm 22 and I live in the UK. I want to share my story to show people that however depressed, anxious, lonely or suicidal you may feel it DOES get better if you just take that first step. How do I know this? Because I was that person!
My mental health problems started about four years ago when I was eighteen. My best friend had just moved to Australia and it was never the same being with other friends because they just wasn't her. I had no job and I couldn't seem to get one, which knocked my confidence, but I was studying at college which was good.
That was until my anxiety problems started!
My name's Natalie. I'm 22 and I live in the UK. I want to share my story to show people that however depressed, anxious, lonely or suicidal you may feel it DOES get better if you just take that first step. How do I know this? Because I was that person!
My mental health problems started about four years ago when I was eighteen. My best friend had just moved to Australia and it was never the same being with other friends because they just wasn't her. I had no job and I couldn't seem to get one, which knocked my confidence, but I was studying at college which was good.
That was until my anxiety problems started!
After a couple of months I had to quit college because I couldn't sit in the classroom without getting anxious. I just felt trapped all the time! I never told anyone about this so everyone just classed me as 'lazy' which hurt, a lot. My parents forced me to sign on which I did for about a year but in that year my anxiety was getting a lot worse. I would get panic attacks every time I went in the job centre and eventually I just couldn't handle it anymore, so I stopped going to sign on. However, this wasn't the only thing I couldn't handle... Town was becoming a major issue for me. The thought of it made me feel sick as well as supermarkets, buses, queues and later on even travelling in cars. It was basically anything that involved people being there or me feeling like I couldn't get out. So eventually I just stopped going anywhere and that's when my life went from bad to unbearable.
I would sit in my bedroom from morning until night for weeks on end only leaving the house when it was dark because I knew there would be less people and I wouldn't be exposed. On the rare occasions I did leave the house in the day I remember my eyes actually hurting from the sun. This was when the depression and self harm started. I stopped socialising, the only time I saw friends was when I was drunk because that was the only thing that helped with my anxiety. My friends begged me to see a doctor but I was absolutely terrified of going to talk to a complete stranger and I refused point blank every time. I always knew that I needed help but the fear always took over that. It was like the doctor was going to kill me or something, which is silly I know! But that's how intense it was.
In the last couple of months before I eventually got some help things got worse and I became suicidal. I couldn't do anything anymore, my illness had took everything from me and I just didn't see the point. I remember every time I crossed a road I would think about a car running me over or I would stand at my bedroom window and imagine me jumping out of it and lying on the ground.
Thankfully I was too scared to go though with it. However, the self harming continued, I had lost one of my closest friends that I had known most of my life, I was in tears everyday and I just became so isolated and no one really understood. My anxiety had taken over my life! The once bouncy, happy sociable girl I was in my school days was gone and I was literally nothing. I thought my life was over....
In the last couple of months before I eventually got some help things got worse and I became suicidal. I couldn't do anything anymore, my illness had took everything from me and I just didn't see the point. I remember every time I crossed a road I would think about a car running me over or I would stand at my bedroom window and imagine me jumping out of it and lying on the ground.
Thankfully I was too scared to go though with it. However, the self harming continued, I had lost one of my closest friends that I had known most of my life, I was in tears everyday and I just became so isolated and no one really understood. My anxiety had taken over my life! The once bouncy, happy sociable girl I was in my school days was gone and I was literally nothing. I thought my life was over....
That was until about seven months ago, when, with the help of my best fiend that had come back from Australia, I made the biggest and most important step of my life and I saw a doctor. The saying 'the thought is so much worse than the action' turned out to be so true and now seven months later I'm actually going to doctors appointments on my own! I am now on Citalopram and Propranolol which help a lot! And I'm currently having CBT which is also helping so much!
I am starting to get back some control over the anxiety and I now live by "I will not let my anxiety stop me from doing ANYTHING anymore". I think of this when I'm feeling very anxious about doing something and it seems to work. I haven't self harmed or had any suicidal thoughts since that first doctors appointment and for the first time in nearly four years I see a future! My mental illness has weirdly been a blessing in disguise for me. Before all of this I never knew what I wanted to do. I was going from course to course hating each one! Now I want to go back to college and do a counselling course because I want to help anyone that might be in the same situation as me.
And to anyone that's reading this I want you to know you're not alone! All those days I sat in my room wondering where my friends were I felt so so so so alone because there was no one I felt I could talk to without feeling like a burden or being scared that they wouldn't understand. I want this to change! I have set up my own twitter page called 'Don't Forget to Smile' which I made for that very reason! So if you need someone to talk to for whatever reason then just follow me.
I am starting to get back some control over the anxiety and I now live by "I will not let my anxiety stop me from doing ANYTHING anymore". I think of this when I'm feeling very anxious about doing something and it seems to work. I haven't self harmed or had any suicidal thoughts since that first doctors appointment and for the first time in nearly four years I see a future! My mental illness has weirdly been a blessing in disguise for me. Before all of this I never knew what I wanted to do. I was going from course to course hating each one! Now I want to go back to college and do a counselling course because I want to help anyone that might be in the same situation as me.
And to anyone that's reading this I want you to know you're not alone! All those days I sat in my room wondering where my friends were I felt so so so so alone because there was no one I felt I could talk to without feeling like a burden or being scared that they wouldn't understand. I want this to change! I have set up my own twitter page called 'Don't Forget to Smile' which I made for that very reason! So if you need someone to talk to for whatever reason then just follow me.
I'll leave you with some advice. No matter how scared you are or how much you think you're too far gone and you'll never get better so whats the point? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go and talk to someone, I know better than anyone how hard it is for some people but I promise it will be the best thing you ever do! If you find it too hard to talk to someone then write everything down including your symptoms, the things you cant do anymore etc and just hand it over (that's what i did :)) just take that first step.
Thank you for reading, love you all! <3
Thank you for reading, love you all! <3
About the Author
Natalie (22) is a mental health blogger living in the UK. You can find the original publication of this blog on the Anxiety United website. This post has be reproduced with the author's express permission. Natalie also has a Twitter Account, 'Don't Forget to Smile'.
Further Information
Click the following links for further information:
Information about Anxiety - Includes information on the various types of anxiety.
Information about Depression - Includes information on the causes of depression and what can help.
Information on Feeling Suicidal - Includes a video of one man's experiences and some useful resources.
Information on CBT - Include information about CBT and the different ways of using CBT.
If you have any questions, or would like to add to this discussion, feel free to use the comments section below.
Information about Anxiety - Includes information on the various types of anxiety.
Information about Depression - Includes information on the causes of depression and what can help.
Information on Feeling Suicidal - Includes a video of one man's experiences and some useful resources.
Information on CBT - Include information about CBT and the different ways of using CBT.
If you have any questions, or would like to add to this discussion, feel free to use the comments section below.
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