Counselling and Relationships
"Why? Why is it so difficult? To have good relationships with others, to not feel so alone? What's so wrong with me that I am here, feelings so isolated, so alone? How do I get out of here?"
I have worked with clients who ask such questions above, who are filled with pain, confusion and despair when it comes to the relationships in their lives, when it comes to connecting with or being around others in a satisfying way. These men and women might struggle to establish meaningful connections with their partners, or friends, or family. For such people, relationships may be so anxiety- or anger-provoking that they become too hard to endure. Break-ups or withdrawing may be common, leading to isolation and yet more despair. For others, there is simply not enough energy or strength left to reach-out, to connect.
So, we might ask here:
So, we might ask here:
"What is it like to feel safe, content, and happy being with someone else, to feel secure, comfortable and at home with another person? What is that like, to love and feel loved?"
We are all of us social animals. For the vast majority of us feeling cut off from other people sends our mental health spiraling downwards into anxiety, depression, or both; we simply cannot thrive when we are isolated. Sure, we can survive without meaningful, loving connections to others, but most of us naturally aspire to a life beyond mere survival. We want to thrive, and for many this means seeking human love, intimacy, and connection.
The quest to meet this need can, depending on our past experiences, be long and arduous, with many obstacles along the way. Maybe we had a critical parent or parents who repeatedly left us feeling worthless as a person. Maybe we suffered abuse, or witnessed violence, and maybe we still do. Maybe we were bullied at home, in school, or at work. Maybe we experienced a traumatic event that undermined our trust not only in other people, but in life itself. Maybe we lost someone we were close to or loved, and have struggled to recover from this loss ever since. Maybe we are struggling with a physical illness and are finding it hard to talk to others about it. There are many reasons why we might now struggle to connect with others in a way that is wholesome and good.
Whatever the reason for the present difficulties, we might now be seeking change, to somehow re-establish that connection with others, and here we might find ourselves stuck, repeating the same kinds of behaviours or finding ourselves in the same kind of relationships, struggling to move forward.
As a counsellor I believe we are all born with an innate ability to form and maintain secure, loving relationships with other people. The problem is that as we live our lives certain things can happen to us that can temporarily damage this innate ability. Such damaging experiences change the way we think and feel about ourselves, others, and the world. Out of these damaging experiences comes the need to heal such damage.
The quest to meet this need can, depending on our past experiences, be long and arduous, with many obstacles along the way. Maybe we had a critical parent or parents who repeatedly left us feeling worthless as a person. Maybe we suffered abuse, or witnessed violence, and maybe we still do. Maybe we were bullied at home, in school, or at work. Maybe we experienced a traumatic event that undermined our trust not only in other people, but in life itself. Maybe we lost someone we were close to or loved, and have struggled to recover from this loss ever since. Maybe we are struggling with a physical illness and are finding it hard to talk to others about it. There are many reasons why we might now struggle to connect with others in a way that is wholesome and good.
Whatever the reason for the present difficulties, we might now be seeking change, to somehow re-establish that connection with others, and here we might find ourselves stuck, repeating the same kinds of behaviours or finding ourselves in the same kind of relationships, struggling to move forward.
As a counsellor I believe we are all born with an innate ability to form and maintain secure, loving relationships with other people. The problem is that as we live our lives certain things can happen to us that can temporarily damage this innate ability. Such damaging experiences change the way we think and feel about ourselves, others, and the world. Out of these damaging experiences comes the need to heal such damage.
When it comes to this need for healing, counselling can help. Counselling with an effective counsellor is an opportunity to explore what it might be like to connect with another person again. This can be done in a safe way in the counselling room, protected from the risk of abuse or judgement. Within the counselling relationship it is possible to experiment with expressing one's true feelings, to explore real fears, and to tell one's own story to someone who is willing to listen. This process, of expressing one's real feelings and telling one's story to a counsellor can be difficult in the beginning, and can take time to develop, but this can in itself be a very healing experience. As well as this, counselling can help to see the connection the past and the present, and how this connection might be impacting on the person's relationships in the here and now. Becomming more aware of this process can help healing also, and aid the process of moving forward.
This counselling process will be different for each person, as each person is unique in their experiences and goals for therapy. An effective counsellor, however, will offer every client genuine acceptance, warmth and understanding. This environment, then, is a healing environment where real change can take place, and from this change new, more satisfying relationships become more possible in the world beyond the counselling room.
If you feel you are struggling with relationships in your life, and find you feel stuck in terms of finding a way forward, counselling is one option when looking for possible solutions. It may be helpful, then, to find a qualified, registered counsellor in your local area with whom you feel comfortable working. Of course, if you are in the Bristol area, and would like to contact me, please feel free to explore my website at www.yvcounsellingbristol.co.uk. I also run affordable relationship skills courses in the Bristol area, which can be very helpful in finding ways to improve relationships with family, friends, work colleagues, partners, or potential partners. Again, feel free to explore these courses on my website, or click here for information on when the next courses are available.
For more information on when may be a good time to seek counselling, click here.
There is hope.
This counselling process will be different for each person, as each person is unique in their experiences and goals for therapy. An effective counsellor, however, will offer every client genuine acceptance, warmth and understanding. This environment, then, is a healing environment where real change can take place, and from this change new, more satisfying relationships become more possible in the world beyond the counselling room.
If you feel you are struggling with relationships in your life, and find you feel stuck in terms of finding a way forward, counselling is one option when looking for possible solutions. It may be helpful, then, to find a qualified, registered counsellor in your local area with whom you feel comfortable working. Of course, if you are in the Bristol area, and would like to contact me, please feel free to explore my website at www.yvcounsellingbristol.co.uk. I also run affordable relationship skills courses in the Bristol area, which can be very helpful in finding ways to improve relationships with family, friends, work colleagues, partners, or potential partners. Again, feel free to explore these courses on my website, or click here for information on when the next courses are available.
For more information on when may be a good time to seek counselling, click here.
There is hope.
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